Open Up and Say HI!

Being open emotionally is probably one of the hardest things in the world to do ( for me at least). We all have an experience that we think about when we are weighing out whether or not we should open ourselves up and go for it ( and by going for it I mean telling the truth or taking a chance). This experience is usually the time that we have been hurt the most, or felt the most vulnerable and it's hard to get over. Giving men a chance in my life has been almost impossible and due to the wonderful law of attraction, the guys I did give a chance were the one's who would validate my fears. These special gentlemen would treat me like crap and then evaporate, never to be seen again. Slowly over the years, I have started to feel a shift happening inside of me.


I've started to gain strength from the bullshit from the past. Instead of thinking that I would forever be doomed to relive the tragedies of my past, I started to think how lucky I was that I hadn't invested more time in a shitty situation. True love has to be right around the corner, right? I stopped caring if it sounded stupid that I thought love could find me anywhere. I'd rather have my irrational thoughts be positive. What's the worst that could happen? I want to be honest and vulnerable now. Everything else is just covering up who you really are and that's no fun. It's also exhausting trying to conceal the parts of you that you think someone might not like or that would make you look weak. There is a strength in vulnerability because you're giving yourself the green light to be you. I want people to see the real me. She's pretty fucking awesome, I gotta tell ya.

Good Love Is On The Way

This year has been a doozie! I've lost a lot, gone through some very difficult moments, and met sides of myself I didn't know existed. One of hardest things for me to process this year has been my breakup. Whose fault was it? What did I do? Why did he do that? Is there something wrong with me? All of these questions were on a loop in my mind all day long for months. I got angry and depressed. I even had elaborate revenge plots all planned out in my head. After time passed I realized that what happened wasn't about me. He wasn't right for me and so it didn't work. Trying to assign blame is a fulltime gig, so when I let all of that go I was able to see the positive things that I learned from that situation.


Having a relationship with someone so wrong for me, really showed me what I wanted from a relationship. It made me more sure of myself and helped me to realize my worth. Now I want only the best for myself. I'm ready for something real and that's an amazing feeling. I don't wanna be someone's fuck buddy, or just some girl they hang out with when they have time to kill or need an ego boost. Oh, and no more emotionally unavailable guys. It's bullshit. I deserve a guy who wants me as much as I want him. Time for an adult relationship people. Love is a heavy term but just like any other four letter word, as an adult I think I'm ready to use it.

Emotional Condom

Safe sex. For most people that phrase means using a condom or some other form of contraception. Some people feel comfortable having very casual sex with others, as long as it's "safe". To me the term safe sex is an oxymoron. I'm a very emotional person and condoms aren't going to help me if the guy I'm banging turns out to be an asshole. I'm going to be hurt...like really hurt. While daydreaming recently, I thought about how awesome it would be if there was an emotional condom. Some sort of contraption that could shield me from getting my heart broken, or contracting an emotionally transmitted disease. These diseases include: clinginess, feelings of worthlessness, false connection, and misguided hope. I'm not the only person who has wished that there was an over-the-counter way to safe guard your heart. Anna Danova wrote a little diddy about it.

At the same time I realize that the emotional condom would also prohibit ANY kind of connection. So, while I might not feel horrible if he doesn't call me, I also wont feel happy if he does. Life and love are all about risk, (hopefully carefully calculated risk) and if you aren't taking chances you aren't living. I guess I will just have to continue on searching the wild streets of Los Angeles for love without a buffer from the pain, but able to feel the joy.

LOVE!

It was like Christmas day for me Tuesday because "Battle Studies" came out! I felt like I was there for every step in the creation of this album with all of the blogs and tweets, and I was crazy excited to get to hear it finally. It was completely worth the wait and I'm just happy and content listening to it. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be without music...never mind too scary.

I Heart Jason

I saw Jason Mraz at the Hollywood Bowl last weekend and it was AMAZING! I had fun and I felt like I learned things about myself. This is the last song that he performed the last day of the tour in San Diego, and it's absolutely perfect. His music helps me see myself, and for that I will love it always. I'm truly grateful that his music found it's way into my life and I've been forever changed. Thanks Jason!

Put It In The Want Ads

So for the last couple of months I have been searching endlessly for a job. I have also been looking for a manfriend to no avail. Quality jobs and men are hard to come by in this economy, and I find myself becoming discouraged so I talked to my sister. I told her that I was willing to interview for anything reasonable, but I just couldn't lower my standards. It was then that it hit me that, I'm job-searching the way that I should be dating. So here's what I've learned about looking for love, from looking for a J-O-B:

1.REALLY get yourself out there.
-Whether you're looking for a man or a gig, you have to put yourself out there. Get out and search, tell everyone you know what you need, and be aggressive. Put an ad in the paper, spray paint your number on a billboard, get a 30 second commercial on public access, whatever. It's a numbers game at this stage so don't be shy. You never know who someone knows or what you'll find.

2.Don't act out of desperation.
- You will always regret taking a job ONLY for the money or dating a dude ONLY cause you're lonely. You wanna be happy right? You totally deserve to be in a situation that makes you feel fulfilled and giddy. Just wait it out, you'll find someone that makes you want to get between him and his Calvin's.

3.First impression is key.
-Pay very close attention during the interview/first date. People always tell you exactlly who they are, but you have to listen. All of the information that you need to know will be out there during this first meeting. (Once on a first date a guy told me sex stories about his budy and some chick he set him up with. SURPRISE! He turned out to be a sleazy asshole.) Don't be afraid to ask your questions. This person could potentially be a part of your life, so they have to impress you too. We all ready know you're great, now's the time to find out who the fuck they are.

4.Never except less than you are worth.
- Some people want to give you minimum pay for maximum effort, so it's important that you know what you're looking for and hold strong. If you want a serious relationship, don't settle for friends with benefits, or just "hanging out". Time is money honey. If he can't offer what you want, keep it pushing. It can be uncomfortable at times and almost painful to stick to your guns, but you'll be happier in the long run when you aren't trying to convince yourself that his 2am texts asking if you're still up aren't booty calls.

5.Trust your instincts.
- Once you make up your mind, don't torture yourelf with "what ifs". You moved on for a reason, so trust yourself. Second guessing yourself is a waste of time you could be spending finding someone awesome.

6.Keep looking until you're committed.
- You may have had a great first date/interview and everything was sunshine and Beatles songs, but you should never stop looking until you offically have the position. Until this guy wants to be serious, you shouldn't be. See other guys and have fun. Don't throw it in his face, just let him know that you won't be available. He'll catch on. Keep yourself busy and let this guy know that you are a hot comodity, and he needs to be on his best behavior or he might lose out to someone making a better offer.

7.Remember they need you, not the other way around.
-In the words of Kanye, "there's a thousand you's, there's only one of me."Always know that no matter what you are looking for, YOU are the prize. Any guy would be lucky to have you, and you should be treated as such. If you aren't getting what you desire from the situation, it's time to go. You deserve to happy and if you aren't, never be afraid to search for what will make feel fantastic.

June Was Wacky

June was a crazy month in pop culture, so I thought I'd give you some highlights.

• The Lakers Did The Damn Thing!
  

After being spanked last year by the Celtics, I knew that my boys would come back this season hungry, and ready to win. I am a happy woman now that my Lakers are back on top, where they belong. I will be an even happier woman once I'm Mrs. Luke Walton. Oh, it will happen. Just you wait!

• The Hangover Killed IT.
  

Not only did this movie destroy the box-office it's first weekend, but it was by far the funniest movie this year. Bradley Cooper played the douche bag friend perfectly. I have always thought that he was an amazing actor. Hey, do you think that if I told him that he would blush and thank me, and ask if I wanna get a coffee or something and we would laugh and joke for hours and completely lose track of time, and before I left he would gently grab my arm and look deeply into my eyes and say, "I don't want to sound weird, but do you feel something happening here"? I think that could TOTALLY happen.

• Karma Punched Perez

Perez Hilton got punched, and he was the only one surprised. He called 911 and had a total meltdown because he thought his, "eye was falling out of his head". 50 cent got shot five times and made less of a fuss. Man up Perez! If you are gonna talk that much shit, honey take a damn self-defense class because fists will fly in your direction. If you don't like it, shut your mouth.

• God Got New Angels

Ed McMahoun, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and most importantly my Grandmother passed away this month. I like to believe that the four of them are in heaven playing twister together right now, and that my Grandmother is kickin' SO much ass.

Seriously?

Do we still have to pretend that this bitch is cute? Are we done now? Can we all agree that she's dumb, racist, famous for nothing, and just a bad bad person? To top it all off, she's aging like she's living in dog years or something. Time for her to go, it's not fun anymore. I have spoken!!

Recruitment Report

So over the last couple of months there have been a couple of guys trying to get me to play on their teams. The problem I'm having is that they aren't offering anything that I want. They don't fully appreciate or understand what they are getting into, or what it will require of them to handle me. Here's what it will take to hang with me, and potentially get somewhere:

1.Mental and Linguistic Dexterity-I absolutely love and respect words, so I need someone who has a solid grasp on the English language and who will be able to match wits with me.

2.Honesty-Not just telling the truth, but living it and being who you really are. Be upfront with what you want. I might not agree or comply, but I will always respect you for being real.

3.Passion and Capability-Be passionate about something and be good at it. I don't care how far you've gotten in your endeavor, as long you have a clear plan and are willing to grind to get what you want*.

In summation Guys, come correct or don't bother. Otherwise it's like trying to get Kobe to play for the Clippers, a ridiculous waste of time!

(*Or you can just be Luke Walton. Simple, but effective!)

Oh, Lenny

Dancin' Til Dawn


So I was downloading some music and I came across Lenny Kravitz's "Dancin' Till Dawn". It is such an amazing song both lyrically and musically. I was shocked my how earthy, raw, and sexy it was. I watched the video and it just upped the ante. I just had to share. Pay it forward!

He Did It Again.

So about once a year since I was sixteen years old, I've tried to force myself to hate Justin Timberlake. Despite my efforts, he has always found a way to win me back over. Not really sure why I do this, I just accept it. This year was no exception, I was over seeing him hanging out with Jessica Biel shielding their faces from photographers, or golfing, or courtside at Laker games. I was done and over it, but once again he found a way to prove me wrong and regain my love. He found a way to revisit a classic and improve upon it. Justin if you're reading this, Mama is home and she's so sorry.

Where Was I!?

John Mayer was in L.A. giving out sugar, and I WAS NOT THERE! He actually tweeted this day that he was going to be working out in Santa Monica, and I thought it was funny, but did nothing. So with school ending, it's time to step up my game. Befriend a few photographers, bribe a few doormen, sweet talk a maitre d' or two, whatever it takes. I just want a shot at John. A moment for our eyes to meet and to see what happens next. If nothing happens or he offers me an autograph and pats me on the head, I'll cross him off the list and move on to Jason Mraz. San Diego is only a couple of hours away...this summer might end up being pretty dark and scary for me.

Spring Serenity

During Spring Break I decided to do whatever I wanted, and I realized that I actually wanted very little. The beach has ALWAYS been my favorite place to go, so I went. This was by far the best beach day I've had in years, so I made a little video so I could capture a little bit of it's essence. This video will also serve as my theme song and beginning sequence if I ever do a reality show. Enjoy!

ACT 2

I'm finally ready. I mean really ready for the best things in life to find me. The first ACT of my life was spent with me dealing with and sorting out the horrible things that life threw at me. Now, I'm ready to create the beauty that I have always deserved. I will dedicate myself relentlessly to the inevitable adventure that will ensue, and always look forward...

Get The Fuck Over It!!

That's what I keep telling myself, but it's just not that easy. I'm hurt, and I'll be hurt until I don't hurt anymore. Plain and simple. I just feel apprehensive about what I should do next. Should I date, or wait until I'm 100%? Am I gonna be 100%? Maybe I should just take things as they come, and know that I'll have what I'm looking for. Ok...I can do that.

Simply Put...

I just want to be loved...relentlessly.

But Seriously...

My recent relationshit taught me a lot about myself and what I want. I no longer have the need to just feel anything. I used to want to feel something so badly that, it didn't matter whether it was positive or negative it just had to be SOMETHING. Now, I just want to feel something real. Something that feels so good and so right, that I want it to stick around. I want a guy who wants all of me, and who is intelligent enough to see my worth. This last guy had no idea what he was dealing with, so there was no way he could treat me as well as I deserved to be treated. That guy treated silk like it was burlap. I was too much for him to handle. As lost as I felt dealing with that situation, I think it actually help me find myself and now I'll recognize the love I need when I find it. Let's all raise a glass to that short bastard! Cheers!!

(Okay maybe I'm still a little bitter, but baby steps...baby steps)

Gotta Focus

Now that I'm done wasting time with idiots and lesser men, I have moved my attention back to the search of something closer to God. He doesn't even KNOW...but he will soon. Just wait and see!

I Lost 160 Pounds!!

My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. But hey, it was only three months so I think that it usually takes that much time for people to truly show themselves. Still there were signs that I feel that I overlooked. I think that I was so concerned that I would leave the situation, just because I was weirded out by the idea of a nice relationship, that I was more focused on what I was doing, and less on him. I stopped paying attention to the little things, and I hate that. There are things about this situation that I am soo proud of though:

1. I Never Had Sex With Him (THANK GOD!!)
2. I Ended It When I Saw What Was Really Happening
3. I Didn't Do Anything I Wasn't Comfortable With
4. I'm Not Bitter, I'm Better

He should be happy that I'm not a vengeful woman because, BABY. He is truly a dumbass ;). The fuckin' tattoo should have been a clue!