Acceptance

I hate what I love, and love what I hate…and I’m ok with that. I’m constantly at odds with myself because my personality doesn’t always fit well with my passion. I’m an actress who doesn’t really like to be the center of attention or speak in crowds, and has a head FULL of self-doubt. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not scared of what I’m doing, but I keep coming back. Do you know why? It’s because it’s challenging and it pushes me. It pushes me to the dark places inside of myself that need work, and make you grow as a human being. There are a plethora of other professions that I’m well (and maybe even better) suited for, but there’s no excitement in them. I’m good at them and it doesn’t cost me anything. I don’t want a life where I get off easy.


Moments before I step on stage, I question my ability, my talent, and even my right to be there, but I keep coming back because I fucking love it.

The Block is Broken

I have had a terrible case of writer's block for the past couple of months. I've had so much to say, but for the life of me I couldn't find the words. I realized that I wasn't trusting my own voice and allowing myself to just say whatever was on my mind. This got me to thinking, where am I holding back in my life? Where am I afraid to allow myself to show up fully?

One thing that always keeps me holding back is a sense of shame. Shame that I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Shame that my experience in life has been so much different and often times desperately sad. I understand now that when I look at my life with compassion instead of fear and judgement, I can see myself for who I am, not what others MAY think.


My life has been difficult and my journey to where I want to be has longer than I may have anticipated, but that doesn't make me a loser. It makes me a fighter. It's ok that I don't have it all figured out and know exactly what will happen next, or how long it take to happen. The timeline is really none of my business. All I can do is keep moving forward and be love for myself. I came across this quote for the millionth time moments ago, and this is the first time it's meant any thing to me. "It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop". It's my mantra. You'll be hearing a lot more from me. I promise.

Taken on my Virgin Mobile

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Sent from my Virgin Mobile

"Friends" LIED!

My twenties have nothing like Ross or Rachel's and I feel betrayed. They got the whole "your job's a joke, you're broke" part right, but it's tougher than I though it would be. I find myself trying to figure out who I am all over again. It's like going through a second adolescence, or maybe it's just the whole quarter life crisis deal. Whatever it is, it's heavy. I still dream as big for my life as I did at 18, but now I see how hard it's really gonna be. I'm old enough to know just how cruel and ugly the world is, but young enough to say 'what the hell' and try anyway. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road point in my life and can see the possible downfall of each direction. I can see how the decisions that I make in the next couple of years are going to set the foundation for the rest of my like, and I can't begin to tell you how scary that is for me. It all counts now.

I try to tell myself I have so much time, but I'm not buying as easily as I use to. I'm starting to feel that push to hit the milestones of adult life ( stable job, stable relationship, STABILITY) and it's paralyzing. As much as I want those things, I feel like it will take me away from my dreams and my passions. I'm an actress and there's nothing stable about that. If I continue pursuing an acting career, will that mean I'll never be stable and therefore never be a real adult? Not if I can get work I guess. I like being a bit of a gypsy. There's something kinda romantic about it to me. I'm sure I'll be able to settle down when I need/want to. I just have to learn how to take my time and as long as I have no one else to take care of, my time is mine. BREATHE.

Changed My Mind John!

Oh his stupid mouth! So, John did an interview with Playboy and totally killed my dream of us living together blissfully in love. I read this ridiculously long interview in total shock, wondering what the hell is he thinking? In the interview he talked about sex with Jessica Simpson, his relationship with Jen Aniston, called his penis a "white supremacist" ( he was saying that he finds black women attractive, but has never had the urge to have sex with or date one), and used the N word. I did understand the point that he was trying to make when he used the N word, but he just should have used that term (and during black history mounth no less). I'm glad that he at least apologized for that much, but still...whoa.

I don't think he's a bad person at all, I just think the he has some growing to do. He's got to get out of his own way, and let his talent take and maintain center stage. So to sum it all up in the end, I'm too caramel for his little David Duke, and he lacks the sensitivity and forethought that I would want in a man. I think I'll just stick to listening to his music.

Open Letter to John Mayer

Dear John,
    
     Let me start with some real talk. Your music has gotten me through some terrible times and has become the soundtrack to my life. So, thanks for sharing your art with the world. I have made no secret of the fact that I think that you're a gorgeous super cool dude. I have featured you several times on my blog gushing about your loveliness. What I want you to know is that I think that you should give me a shot. In the past few years you've dated famous chicks (Jennifer Love Hewit & Jessica Simpson) and super famous chicks (Jennifer Aniston). Where's the variety? I think it's time that you try something different. Like me. We would be amazing together!

     Like you I'm an introspective artist, so I would understand the insanity that comes with being creative. I'd give you your space when you need to spend days at a time in the studio. With me you'd get the movie star looks, without the competition and issues of both of us being celebrities. We could spend nights together curled up on the couch tweeting. Our relationship would remind you of the simpler times before you were famous. You would write some of your best work, with our love as your inspiration. I know this is a lot to think about so, I'll give some time to think this through. You know where to reach me.

OXOX

M

Please Don't Text Me

Technology is great. I love it, you love it. It makes things faster, easier, and sexier, so what's there not to love? It may seem like all fun and games, but texting can be dangerous especially in your dating life. So unless you want to come off as a creep or fall prey to one, you should listen up.

1. Texting should be like note passing.
-You should only text when you can't talk. If you're running late, in a meeting, or being held hostage those are completely acceptable times to text. Otherwise pick up the phone!

2. Guys! Never text to set up a date!!
- It's totally weak and says that you don't care enough to pick up the damn phone. Don't be that dude. Be a gentleman. Your mom raised you better than that.

3. Ladies! If he likes you, he'll call you!
- If he started off calling then starts to ONLY text you, it's time to move on. We're all busy, but he should want to talk to you. You deserve at least that much. Sheesh!

4. People! Never send the "did you get my text" message!
- They got it and they don't want to talk to you. Sad but true. It takes two seconds to reply. Don't embarrass yourself by sending another text. It's a bad look. Screw them! Go call someone who likes you.

I Think I Love Me

While I'm looking for someone to share my life with and hoping to hear them confess their undying devotion to me, I think that it's important to say this to you first...I love you. I will never stop protecting, cherishing, or caring for you. You are beautiful and worthy of all of the wonderful things that this world has to offer. You're perfect right now. Always remember that.

XO

M

Can't It Be Simple?!

Whatever happened to liking someone and acting like it? You know being nice to them, showing interest, the good stuff. When did it become cool/normal to act like you don't give a shit about someone you're into? There are so many crazy rules out there, that it just becomes confusing. I always hear how you should keep him waiting and never show up early, be unavailable, don't call first, don't stalk him if he doesn't call ( kinda goes without saying) and on and on. I use to listen to everyone's advice and read all sorts books on the subject. What can I say, I try to use formulaic knowledge in every situation ( and I'm a nerd), but in the end none of what I learned made any sense.


It all seemed like games played to try to minimize the potential risk of pain, but in the end life IS pain. So, dating by the rules feels completely bland and lifeless to me. If I feel something for someone, that's HUGE! It's an amazing feeling and I want to let that person know. I want to show up on time to see him, call him to say I had fun, answer his call when I hear the phone ringing ( not on the third ring...wtf?). And if in the end he doesn't feel the same way about me (idiot) that's cool. That's just life.

I'm an adult and I want to date like an adult. That means being open and honest, but not desperate. I'm not going to wait for his call because I have a life, but I'm not going to act like I'm not happy when he does. No pretending, no games, no drama. Simple, right?