My Mantra

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

I look at these words everyday and they have helped me keep going through this insane semester. The semester has been the most trying experience of my life. With 8 classes, a job, and dealing with being human I thought I would loose my mind or completely breakdown…but I didn’t. I surprised myself and life surprised me.

With everything drawing to a close, I’ve never wanted something to end so badly but stay exactly the same. I’m ready to go, but don’t want to leave. My theatre family has been amazing, and it’s hard to let that go. Graduation is some emotional shit!

Acceptance

I hate what I love, and love what I hate…and I’m ok with that. I’m constantly at odds with myself because my personality doesn’t always fit well with my passion. I’m an actress who doesn’t really like to be the center of attention or speak in crowds, and has a head FULL of self-doubt. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not scared of what I’m doing, but I keep coming back. Do you know why? It’s because it’s challenging and it pushes me. It pushes me to the dark places inside of myself that need work, and make you grow as a human being. There are a plethora of other professions that I’m well (and maybe even better) suited for, but there’s no excitement in them. I’m good at them and it doesn’t cost me anything. I don’t want a life where I get off easy.


Moments before I step on stage, I question my ability, my talent, and even my right to be there, but I keep coming back because I fucking love it.

The Block is Broken

I have had a terrible case of writer's block for the past couple of months. I've had so much to say, but for the life of me I couldn't find the words. I realized that I wasn't trusting my own voice and allowing myself to just say whatever was on my mind. This got me to thinking, where am I holding back in my life? Where am I afraid to allow myself to show up fully?

One thing that always keeps me holding back is a sense of shame. Shame that I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Shame that my experience in life has been so much different and often times desperately sad. I understand now that when I look at my life with compassion instead of fear and judgement, I can see myself for who I am, not what others MAY think.


My life has been difficult and my journey to where I want to be has longer than I may have anticipated, but that doesn't make me a loser. It makes me a fighter. It's ok that I don't have it all figured out and know exactly what will happen next, or how long it take to happen. The timeline is really none of my business. All I can do is keep moving forward and be love for myself. I came across this quote for the millionth time moments ago, and this is the first time it's meant any thing to me. "It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop". It's my mantra. You'll be hearing a lot more from me. I promise.

Taken on my Virgin Mobile

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Sent from my Virgin Mobile

"Friends" LIED!

My twenties have nothing like Ross or Rachel's and I feel betrayed. They got the whole "your job's a joke, you're broke" part right, but it's tougher than I though it would be. I find myself trying to figure out who I am all over again. It's like going through a second adolescence, or maybe it's just the whole quarter life crisis deal. Whatever it is, it's heavy. I still dream as big for my life as I did at 18, but now I see how hard it's really gonna be. I'm old enough to know just how cruel and ugly the world is, but young enough to say 'what the hell' and try anyway. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road point in my life and can see the possible downfall of each direction. I can see how the decisions that I make in the next couple of years are going to set the foundation for the rest of my like, and I can't begin to tell you how scary that is for me. It all counts now.

I try to tell myself I have so much time, but I'm not buying as easily as I use to. I'm starting to feel that push to hit the milestones of adult life ( stable job, stable relationship, STABILITY) and it's paralyzing. As much as I want those things, I feel like it will take me away from my dreams and my passions. I'm an actress and there's nothing stable about that. If I continue pursuing an acting career, will that mean I'll never be stable and therefore never be a real adult? Not if I can get work I guess. I like being a bit of a gypsy. There's something kinda romantic about it to me. I'm sure I'll be able to settle down when I need/want to. I just have to learn how to take my time and as long as I have no one else to take care of, my time is mine. BREATHE.

Changed My Mind John!

Oh his stupid mouth! So, John did an interview with Playboy and totally killed my dream of us living together blissfully in love. I read this ridiculously long interview in total shock, wondering what the hell is he thinking? In the interview he talked about sex with Jessica Simpson, his relationship with Jen Aniston, called his penis a "white supremacist" ( he was saying that he finds black women attractive, but has never had the urge to have sex with or date one), and used the N word. I did understand the point that he was trying to make when he used the N word, but he just should have used that term (and during black history mounth no less). I'm glad that he at least apologized for that much, but still...whoa.

I don't think he's a bad person at all, I just think the he has some growing to do. He's got to get out of his own way, and let his talent take and maintain center stage. So to sum it all up in the end, I'm too caramel for his little David Duke, and he lacks the sensitivity and forethought that I would want in a man. I think I'll just stick to listening to his music.

Open Letter to John Mayer

Dear John,
    
     Let me start with some real talk. Your music has gotten me through some terrible times and has become the soundtrack to my life. So, thanks for sharing your art with the world. I have made no secret of the fact that I think that you're a gorgeous super cool dude. I have featured you several times on my blog gushing about your loveliness. What I want you to know is that I think that you should give me a shot. In the past few years you've dated famous chicks (Jennifer Love Hewit & Jessica Simpson) and super famous chicks (Jennifer Aniston). Where's the variety? I think it's time that you try something different. Like me. We would be amazing together!

     Like you I'm an introspective artist, so I would understand the insanity that comes with being creative. I'd give you your space when you need to spend days at a time in the studio. With me you'd get the movie star looks, without the competition and issues of both of us being celebrities. We could spend nights together curled up on the couch tweeting. Our relationship would remind you of the simpler times before you were famous. You would write some of your best work, with our love as your inspiration. I know this is a lot to think about so, I'll give some time to think this through. You know where to reach me.

OXOX

M