Open Letter

Dear Jerky Guys In The Greater Los Angeles Area,

I just wanted to clear a few things up to spare all of us the embarrassment later on. In my short life I have seemed to attract your kind nearly exclusively. While I'm not sure why this is, it never works for very long due to your innate douchieness and my need for substance. These encounters while brief, only prove to waste everyone's time. You need a girl who will go down on you while you speed down Sunset in a car that resembles a penis. I need a guy who will actually learn my last name before he tries to finger bang me.

So, in order to bypass a very awkward situation I have devised a plan for us to identify one another right away. I'll be the girl who is laid back, sweet, and funny which is a minority in L.A. Now if you meet me and you think I'm pretty just walk up and ask me if I want to fuck you, and I'll tell you only if we were in a committed relationship. Let's not dance around the point and waste each other's time. You'll thank me in the end. Shine on you greasy fuck heads!

With Love,
Mimi